Conan Throws in The Towel

In response to the universally-accepted theory that Conan’s appeal is primarily to young knuckleheads, and that he’s soon gonna fail in the all-important 11:30 time slot, Conan has finally courageously bitten the bullet, and subjected his on-air idiosyncracies to an elderly focus group. In fact, he moderated the session himself, with an effective disguise reminiscent of Mrs. Doubtfire, if all of Daniel Hilliard’s relatives had been straight. Tragically, this last-ditch brave gambit failed disastrously. The seniors, to a man and woman thoroughly aghast and totally oblivious of the real identity of their moderator, referred to Conan in such terms as, “Mentally-ill, perverted, dangerous, out-of-control, silly, goofy, daft, immature, foolish, nutty, dippy, mad, uncoordinated, gangly, autistic, retarded, moronic, idiotic, stupid, brain-dead, impotent, disheveled, unwashed, unkempt, untidy, uncombed, tousled, scruffy, messy, funny-looking, and half the time not even all that funny. Now the only question is will Jay be willing to come back.

And speaking of Conan and 300-game winners, someone once asked Conan if he thought Gaylord Perry would have been a hall-of-famer without his infamous spitter. The daft Conan replied, “No, I don’t. And, illegal pitches aside, as a long-time advocate of an egalitarian society and equal opportunity, I don’t think he would have been nearly as successful if his name had been, instead of Gaylord, Peasantfag Perry, either.