Pap and JB

Given his own struggles earlier, I’m disappointed to hear that resurgent Pap is now constantly climbing all over Jason Bay about JB’s recent lack of production; and not good-naturedly either. Pap was even recently spotted in the clubhouse wearing a shirt that said, “Jason Bay Sucks!’ I don’t think that’s right.

Bernie Madoff and Claw Back

Since Bernie ‘Yikes, I’m Gonna Die in Jail’ Madoff made no investments, he couldn’t have lost any of those billions in bad investments. So, if they can use the threat of serious jail time on all involved, both investors who did profit and collaborators, with an exhaustive claw back and asset seizure process they ought to eventually get most everything back, except whatever Bernie and his evil cohorts spent on non-assets, which can’t be all that much. Nothing like $50 billion or even $15 billion. There are plenty of capable financial types out of work these days, so hire the horses to follow the money. Likewise with lawyers.

To me the claw back rule should be simple: If you took out less than what you put in, you get to keep it. Whatever you got above what you put in goes into the pool to be redistributed. Anything Madoff paid in fees to anyone goes into the pool, assets seized accordingly. Non-cooperative investors and collaborators right to the hoosegow. The threat of jail time for perjury used uncompromisingly.

An estimate of what should ultimately be recovered can be done, and then the government could provide partial early payments to victims, so someone who had their life savings with the crook(s) might not have to fire sale their house, etc.

Where Is Matzaka!!!???

Now that he’s out of the rotation and on the DL, someone asked where is Matzaka!!! and what exactly is he doing?

My guesses are he is either:

· Taking a few days to get over the breakup of Jon and Kate; or

· Hiking The Appalachian Trail; or

· In Argentina

The governor’s staff is getting credit for that inventive new classic, probably soon to become a cliché, “Not to worry, I’ve just been hiking the Appalachian Trail,’ but it’s really about 50 years old.

Jackie: “What’s this I hear about you and Marilyn Monroe?”
Jack: “No big deal, Dear. Miss Monroe and I have just been hiking The Appalachian Trail together.”

Matt Diaz is a Better Sportsman Than JD Drew

The craziest swing at the worst pitch to end a bases loaded ninth in a tie game that this middle-aged madman has ever seen. Unlike JD, undoubtedly the honorable Matt just couldn’t bear to be the beneficiary of a bad call in that crucial situation. Of course, JD felt entitled, since a bases-loaded bad strike three in ALCS Gm 7 undoubtedly cost him and the Sox a trip to the Series last year. (And if Chipper Jones wasn’t mired in about the worst slump of his career, I doubt he’d have gone to so much trouble to get himself tossed.) I still say, a little discreet electronic help to the umps, please.

To read the Globe, now, based on a wind-blown 300 foot flyball, Nick Green is the second coming of Honus Wagner.

Sox so far this Year:.....W.…L…..Over .500
April…………..............………..14…..8………+6
May………….............….………15...14………+1
June So Far…..........….………13…..5….….+8
Total…………….....………42…27….+15

In June so far:……..…HR……..RBI…….Avg…….. Slg.
Pedroia…………….........…….0……..…..8………..178…...…..205
Drew…………..........………….2……..…..9………..289…….....533
Youk………….........…………..3……...….9………..210…….....403
Bay…………..........……………3………...17……….246……......449
Pap………………..........………5……..….12……….308……......654
Lowell…………….........….…..2………....6…….….220..….......339
Ellsbury……………........…….2…...…….6………..308……......442
Tek……………….........…...….0……..…..3………..190….....…..333
Green…………….........………3…….….10…..…….283……......528
Total Starters…..…….18………71……….244……...422

The Starters in June:………W….L……ERA
Beckett………………….............…….3…..1……..1.91
Lester………………….............………1…..1……..1.71
Wakefield………...........……………..3…..0……..4.30
Penny…………….............……………1…..1……...2.78
Total these Starters……..….8….3…….2.68

(I think I might be leaving somebody out, but I can’t for the life of me remember who it might be…or find any mention of him on the Sox website. In fact, when I clicked on the vacant fifth starter spot in the Sox rotation, all that came up was an Official Police Report, filed by a Mr. Theodore Samuel Epstein, alleging that '$100 Million is missing from the coffers of the Boston Red Sox Baseball Club.')

Anyway, pretty amazing for the Sox to be 13-5 in June, with Ped, Youk, Lowell, and Tek all really struggling. I bet those nattering naysayers who kicked Poor Pap when he was way, way, way down, absolutely stinking out the joint night after night after freaking night, feel quite foolish now!!

“Boy, Did That Ever Suck, Dear!”

There had to be at least one middle-aged ex-Bostonian Sox-fan couple who hadn’t been to Fenway in years, and who went to great planning, time, travel, and especially expense to journey to Boston for just the two games Thursday and Friday night. Been looking forward to it, and often talking about it, for over a year, I suppose they had, what with the lead-time on tickets.

Then absolutely drenched on Thursday watching the Sox get one hit, and brutally victimized by yet another Japanese atrocity on Friday, while watching the Sox get all of two hits. And, squirming uncomfortably in their tiny seats and the world working they way it usually does, they undoubtedly also had a fat, drunk guy squashing them from the left, and an ever fatter and drunker woman globbering all over them from the right.

But, thanks to the Baseball Package, historic Fenway sure is pretty—from 1500 miles away.

I wonder when was the last time the Sox totaled three hits in back to back official games at Fenway? Still a very inconsistent offense for an elite team.

It takes an act of Congress to move Pap out of #3, and get the totally lost Matzaka!!! to agree to rehab at Pawtucket? Or maybe Matzaka!!! has finally agreed to head south, but now the Sox can’t get the fellas down in Pawtucket to agree to take him? They do have their own lives to live down there, too--and the right to pursuit of happiness still applies, even to people who choose to live in Pawtucket.

And when have two stars on the same team fallen so far so fast, as Pap and Dice-BB?

(As I said below, ‘Matzaka!!!’ comes from the simple, fun way the Japanese little leaguers at Williamsport, who last year almost unanimously cited him as their favorite player, gleefully bellowed out his name. You do have to feel bad for the little guys—the free fall certainly disappointing to Sox fans, but probably confusing enough to a poor hero-worshipping Japanese kid to actually shake his faith in the glorious game.)

Other Struggling Favorites

Pedroia is 2 for 28; Youk is 1 for 12; Chipper Jones is 0 for 20. See Investigation Below.

North Korean Terrorists Are Poisoning America’s Best Pitchers!!!

…………………………..............…IP..…ER…………………………………
Beckett’s Last Start…......….6.0……6……(Had 1.72 ERA in Prior 7 Starts)
Santana’s Last 2 Starts…..10.0…..14……(Had 2.00 ERA YTD)
Greinke’s Last 3 Starts......17.1…..11……(Had 0.84 ERA YTD
Halladay’s Last Start…...….3.0….…1….…(Wounded in Groin. Ouch!)

Perhaps presumably still-healthy John Lester and Tim Lincecum should be quarantined until we can sort those pesky North Koreans out.

If The Sox Lose the East to Yanks By 1 Game

Luis Castillo’s ridiculous and costly gaffe that handed the game to the Yanks had me look him up in Baseball Reference. Just happened to notice that for the Marlins in 2000, Luis batted .334, had 180 hits…and only knocked in 17 runs all year!! I know he batted leadoff, with the pitcher batting, but that is still one amazing stat.

Today’s Pitching Matchup

Matzaka!!! Cost the Sox over $100MM, he’s got 1 win and an ERA of 7.33—and they’re calling the other guy Bastardo??

‘Pitching to Contact’

With the focus on pitch count, we hear this more and more lately. “Ease up so they can hit it—but just don’t let them hit it too hard, and, most importantly, check the alignment of your fielders before every pitch, and then make sure they hit right it at someone.” Sounds slightly easier said than done, I must admit.

But, the record says that it has been done. Here are the modern 300-game winners, ranked in order of ‘Pitching to Contact.’

………………........…....Wins………K/9……..W/9……..(K&W)/9
Warren Spahn…..….363………..4.4……..2.5…………6.9
Greg Maddux….……355………..6.1……..1.8…………7.9
Early Wynn….….…..300………..4.6……..3.5…..…….8.1
Gaylord Perry……. .314………..5.9……..2.3………….8.2
Tom Glavine….…….305………..5.3……..3.1………….8.4
Don Sutton……..……324………..6.1……..2.3………….8.4
Phil Niekro………..…318………..5.6……..3.0………….8.6
Tom Seaver…………311………..6.9……..2.6………….9.5
Steve Carlton……….329………..7.1……..3.2…………10.3
Roger Clemens……..354………..8.6……..2.9………….11.5
Randy Johnson……..300……….10.6…….3.3………….13.9
Nolan Ryan………..…324………..9.5……..4.7………….14.2

So, clearly, Warren Spahn, who’s motto was, “Hitting is timing. Pitching is upsetting timing,” is not only the modern-day win king, but also well ahead of the illustrious pack in ‘pitching to contact.’ Nolan Ryan, who would rather walk three than give up a hit, is the clearcut King of, “Contact is for girly-men!” (Lord help hitters if old Nolan had been on steroids instead of mainlining Advil.)

Old Heroes and The Record Book

Speaking of Spahn, if he hadn’t lost three years at the beginning of his career to most honorable service in WW2, I calculate that he would have won another 54 games, based on his average wins in his first 2 years back. That would have given him 417, tieing him with Walter Johnson, behind only Cy Young, who might as well have been playing fast-pitch softball.

In a similar scientific vein, if we give Ted Williams the three missed years from 43-45 based on the average of his actual stats in the bookend years of ‘42 and ’46, and then replace a year lost to Korea (Why make Ted, of all other-wise gainfully-employed people, serve yet another year, seven years after he’d honorably mustered out?) with his actual stats of 1951, he’d end up with 3,366 hits, 662 home runs, and an all-time best 2,355 RBI’s. With the changes in pitching since The Babe, clearly the best hitter ever.

Conan Throws in The Towel

In response to the universally-accepted theory that Conan’s appeal is primarily to young knuckleheads, and that he’s soon gonna fail in the all-important 11:30 time slot, Conan has finally courageously bitten the bullet, and subjected his on-air idiosyncracies to an elderly focus group. In fact, he moderated the session himself, with an effective disguise reminiscent of Mrs. Doubtfire, if all of Daniel Hilliard’s relatives had been straight. Tragically, this last-ditch brave gambit failed disastrously. The seniors, to a man and woman thoroughly aghast and totally oblivious of the real identity of their moderator, referred to Conan in such terms as, “Mentally-ill, perverted, dangerous, out-of-control, silly, goofy, daft, immature, foolish, nutty, dippy, mad, uncoordinated, gangly, autistic, retarded, moronic, idiotic, stupid, brain-dead, impotent, disheveled, unwashed, unkempt, untidy, uncombed, tousled, scruffy, messy, funny-looking, and half the time not even all that funny. Now the only question is will Jay be willing to come back.

And speaking of Conan and 300-game winners, someone once asked Conan if he thought Gaylord Perry would have been a hall-of-famer without his infamous spitter. The daft Conan replied, “No, I don’t. And, illegal pitches aside, as a long-time advocate of an egalitarian society and equal opportunity, I don’t think he would have been nearly as successful if his name had been, instead of Gaylord, Peasantfag Perry, either.

The Eck is Out for Bronx Bomber Blood!

If the Sox pitchers don’t actually plunk a Yankee some time soon, I’m afraid the Eck is gonna take it upon himself to assassinate Joba Chamberlain. Joba certainly has it coming, but I wish Eck would at least wait until the Remdawg gets back.

Spahn and Sain and a day of rain! Lester, Beckett, and I wish the rest of ‘em would miss the ferry back from Nanteckett!

Movie Trivia—What Movies and What Classic Characters?

1. “You’re a lot of woman, you know that? Wanna make fourteen dollars—the hard way?”

2. “This woman is sporting a full-on fallopian fungus!”

Related questions: what is the correct medical terminology for the condition referenced above, and how is it usually diagnosed? And, in the subject movie #2, how much in product placement fees did the manufacturer of ‘Vagi-Clean’ pay?

Confidential advice: Be wary of anyone who’s all-time favorite movie is ‘Zoo.’ (2007) Be equally suspicious of anyone who keeps horses, and has an extraordinarily huge bedroom but no stable.

Inconsistent Carmines

See earlier posts about Matzaka!!! and the Sox spotty, sputtering offense. They’re gonna eventually have to add a bat, and try Bucholz/Bowden/Smoltz or some combination thereof in the rotation. Won’t beat the Yanks as is.

Movie Trivia—What Movie and What Classic Characters?

1. “If y’all don’t shut up, I’m gonna go out of my mind. Besides, Karl here is about to bust his spring. He was already off balance.”


2. “Wow, you really love animals, don’t you?”
“Yeah…if it gets cold enough.”

Resurgent Rampaging Pap

Pap is now the first 300-pound major leaguer to take a curtain call after hitting a 300-foot fly ball. I wonder how he kept it fair—and how he kept it from going further. If he’d hit it to center, it would have dropped in for a single. If he’d hit it at the softball field in my retirement complex, where the fence is a uniform 300-feet, it would have been caught up against the fence, by a 60 year old guy. (With four outfielders, and playing Pap to pull) Well, he has had a few 400-foot shots caught recently, as well as some questionable strike calls, so he definitely deserved a break.

Last 3 Outings for Sox Starters

…………………….IP/ER….IP/ER…...IP/ER…..Cum. ERA
Lester……….……9.0/1…….6.0/1……6.0/5…….….3.00
Beckett…………..7.2/0…….7.0/1…….8.0/0…….….0.40
Penny…………….5.2/5…….6.0/2……5.1/3………..5.50
Matsuzaka………5.0/1……..5.0/3……5.0/4………..4.80
Wakefield……….6.2/3……..4.2/6……6.0/5………..7.70
Overall: 6.1 Inn/Start….3.96 ERA

Good, primarily due to Beckett and Lester. Bucholz deserves a shot in place of Wakefield.

Lester, Lincecum, and Greinke

Yikes, now Greinke is watching Lester, for ideas on how Zach can get his suddenly faltering command back. Amazing how the tide can quickly turn. The entertaining Eck followed up his candor on Julio’s ridiculous range with those comments on Holland not yet ready for the bigs, even as he was pretty much handling the Sox, and then on and on about Kris Benson’s blank look. Maybe poor Kris just burns on the inside. He did look comically bored, though. Maybe he is sick of baseball, and thinks it’s a slow, dumb, albeit very well paying pastime.

Conan’s ‘Foley Stage’ Bit; and Rodney and Gustav

Conan can be funny at times, but his long ‘Foley Stage’ bit Thursday night was the worst skit I’ve ever seen, (including high school plays) and it just went on and on. I was watching it at home alone, and I was still embarrassed for all concerned. You could even tell that the technical sound-effects guy helping Conan was thinking, “Yikes, Conan, what are we trying to do here? And when can we stop?”

But at least ‘Back to School’ was on the next morning:

Very proper, matronly party guests admiring a painting: “Vanessa is sooo proud of her Klimt. She’s been showing it to everybody!”

The Great Rodney overhearing, and grumbling, “Yeah, I’m proud of mine too. But I don’t go waving it around at parties.”

(Poor Gustav. It’s a wonder he got any painting done at all, what with everyone always asking him, “What was your last name again?”

Julio and The Eck and All-Star Voting

The Eck very politely but still pretty clearly trashed poor Julio’s ridiculous range, and his ‘going-through-the motions’ dives last night. Overhead from Brad Penny relative to those trade rumors: “Hey, do they have a major league shortstop in Atlanta?”

I don’t know why they have to start the all-star voting so early, before we’re even halfway to the all-star game, or why they don’t just allow one vote instead of 25. I guess I could justify Youk over Teixeira, Pena, and Cabrera, because of Youk’s average and defense, but not Pedroia over Kinsler, who now has 15 home runs. Starting for the AL, I’d vote: Youk, Kinsler, Bartlett, Longoria, Mauer, Bay, Cruz, and Hunter. In the NL: Pujols, Utley, Ramirez, Zimmerman, BMolina, Ibanez, Braun, and Beltran. Pedroia may or may not get picked over Aaron Hill as a reserve. Maybe Sox on the team: Youk, Pedroia, Bay, and Papelbon.

The Tonight Show Sea Change

Conan’s long-planned bits:
· The run across America was an excellent start.
· Joe Biden whispering his favorite Mexican foods into Justice nominee Sotomayer’s ear while the President was introducing her, and then asking her if she had the swine flu, was funny—but really, the credit has to go to V/P Joe, both for his usual delightful wit, and for graciously allowing Conan to use the tape in his inaugural show.
· The too-long bits about the Universal bus tour and driving the old Taurus were pretty lame, especially given the amount of time Conan had to work on them.
· First feature guest Will Ferrell’s schtick seems to me to be just constantly dead-panning very dumb stuff. But, maybe Jim Carrey saw the sorry Universal and Taurus bits, and turned Conan down. Big Papi had the day off, maybe Brookline-bred, Harvard-educated Conan could have gotten Pap to explain himself.
· Andy Richter is certainly gonna have us missing Kevin Eubanks.
· I’m afraid quirky Conan’s gonna wear thin long before 17 years. (Not that Jay or Johnny ever wore thin.)

Scary Sox Thoughts

At the moment, come November, the Sox have no more right to Jason Bay than do the Yankees, Mets, or any other deep-pocketed team. Other than Johnny Damon’s short-lived little homer spurt, the Yankees have a relatively weak-hitting outfield, and Matsui is basically done. Show this guy maximum respect, and get him signed soon.

Overlooked Stat: RBI/(RBI & LOB)

The great Baseball Reference has Advanced Batter Stats which cover about every conceivable hitting statistic, except I haven’t been able to find RBI/(RBI & LOB) which is a measure of success in knocking in available base runners—and perhaps of the manager’s sanity relative to placement in the batting order.

The YTD stats for Poor Pap and Jason Bay—the current Sox RBI leader—are: Poor Pap = 18/(18 + 91 LOB)= .165; Power-wristed JB = 49/(49 + 86)= .363. The surprise in the statistic is not that JB turns out to be having a more run-productive year than Poor Pap—I think we all suspected that, even before it was uncovered in my brilliant research—but that JB, despite his great RBI total, has left almost as many men on as PP. Seems impossible, but I double-checked all the LOB’s in the box scores. (Yikes, I might need to get a life one of these days!) I guess the point to all that is, if my logic is correct, that even if PP had been moved down to 6th in the order much earlier, he might have killed just about as many rallies. I suspect that to maximally minimize his damage without actually benching him, Tito would have to move him all the way down to 9th. (And, again, tell him that his sub .200 BA and especially sub .300 SA are far more embarrassing than placement in the order could ever be.)

Lester, Lincecum, and Greinke Update

Lincecum is now pushed back a game, but Lester, perhaps for the first time this year, pitched a significantly better game than Greinke, who gave up a whopping 3 earned and 8 hits in a 7-inning ND. Lester was generally dominant, with 12 ks and only 3 hits in 6, and even hitting 97 once. Santana demonstrates the power of a great change, Lester will soon have the ability to reach back for 98, so if he gets command of both the outstanding fastball and the off speed, 20 wins and a Cy Young or two should be in his future. Obviously, keep the focus to avoid the truly tragic 1-inning meltdowns.